Today I Got My Own Back

Yearn 4 My Way Back to Me

There are mornings when your body hurts before your heart has the chance to catch up.

Today was one of those mornings.

I woke up not in the best headspace. My body was on fire my legs burning, my thighs aching, my throat sore and honestly, I don't even know what I did to deserve carrying this kind of weight.

There is so much going on inside of me that I found myself running into the closet, screaming and crying out to God.

"Please help me. I don't think I'm strong enough to carry whatever this is."

I thought today would be different. I thought I'd wake up excited.

Instead, the demons found me anyway.

The same triggers.

The same battle.

The same fight waiting for me before my feet even touched the floor.

But I still got up.

I still fight the best way I know how.

The battle creeps in every single day, trying to wrap itself around me. But I don't want a hug. I don't want a pat on the back for surviving anxiety, panic attacks, or even for holding onto my faith.

Some days I whisper, "Lord... take me away."

But most days...

I'm still here to stay.

I'm still trying to figure out what the Lord wants from me today. People always say, "Keep fighting."

What does that even mean when your heart feels cold?

When you feel numb?

When it feels like you're sitting still in deep water, unable to move?

I look in the mirror asking myself questions no one else can answer.

How can I be excited for her?

How can she be excited for me?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even smart enough for people to understand me.

The truth is...

You'd have to walk in my shoes just to understand what it feels like to be me.

Today my heart feels heavier than my face.

And somehow...

I'm still breathing.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want to laugh just because people expect me to.

Sometimes I just want to sleep until I finally feel okay again.

Why do I always have to be the strong one?

People get so used to you carrying everything that the moment you break, they don't know what to do with you.

So I tell myself...

Don't stay down too long.

People are already looking at you differently because they caught one glimpse of your pain.

When I say my mental can't handle the pressure anymore, people look at me like I'm crazy.

I've been strong for so long.

And I'm tired.

I'm tired of pretending to smile.

I'm tired of pretending, period.

Why can't I tell the truth without people treating me differently?

The pain is real.

I'm doing my best to keep it quiet because somewhere along the way I convinced myself that being silent made life easier.

Maybe it does.

Maybe it doesn't.

Today I sat in my room alone, crying.

Wondering...

Where did I go wrong?

Is this all just a dream?

How long have I been living inside this nightmare?

I've had nightmares since last year, and I'm still trying to understand what they're trying to tell me.

It's lonely sometimes.

Lonely carrying everything yourself.

Lonely being misunderstood.

Lonely feeling like people think you're crazy simply because you've learned how to survive on your own.

I got used to it.

The fantasy I used to believe in disappeared a long time ago.

So I keep trying to walk it off.

Stay positive.

Keep smiling.

But how long can someone really do that?

How long can someone keep pretending everything is okay?

There has been so much crying.

So much pretending.

So much fake.

Every day I tell myself to stay focused.

Every day I hope the hard days are finally behind me.

Then another hard day shows up.

Some days I get so frustrated I want to throw my laptop across the room.

Sometimes I get angry enough to want to break something.

But what would that fix?

Nothing.

So instead...

I cry.

I breathe.

And somehow...

I keep going.

Even when I'm exhausted.

Even when my mind feels crowded.

Even when the pain is hard to look at while staring back at myself in the mirror asking,

"Are you even here?"

Then another question comes.

Can you love yourself through this?

Can you become your own best friend?

Can you stay loyal to yourself until the very end?

Can you look into the mirror and still call yourself beautiful on the days you feel ugly?

Maybe that's what healing really is.

Not pretending the scars aren't there.

Learning they never disqualified you.

They rebuilt you.

They're proof you survived.

They're proof you're still running the race.

Sometimes I wonder if I can look past the person I used to be.

Can I find that girl again?

People say words carry power.

So every morning I try to speak life over myself before doubt has the chance to speak first.

She's not the same girl anymore.

The girl with the full cheeks.

The easy smile.

Life has left marks now.

But underneath every scar...

I'm still her.

My heart hasn't changed.

I'm still the same woman.

Just carrying more.

Just loving deeper.

Just surviving things no one else can see.

Then another thought enters my mind.

What do I do when the negative thoughts show up and nobody is around to tell me,

"Girl... you've got this. You're going to make it."

Do I really need a crowd to believe in me?

Do I need people cheering me on before I can celebrate myself?

I used to think I did.

Some days I still catch myself believing that.

But not today.

Today I reminded myself of something I've forgotten far too often.

Today...

I got my own back.

Why I Wrote This

This wasn't written because I had all the answers.

It was written because I needed somewhere safe to tell the truth.

This morning was hard. My body hurt before my mind even caught up. Anxiety showed up. Fear showed up. Old triggers showed up. I wasn't trying to sound strong or inspirational. I wasn't trying to wrap everything in a pretty ending.

I just wanted to be honest.

Writing has become one of the ways I survive. Every poem, every journal entry, every blog post helps me move one step further away from pretending and one step closer to healing.

That's what Yearn 4 My Way Back to Me is really about.

It's about choosing myself again.

Finding my voice again.

Learning to love the woman staring back at me in the mirror—even on the days when she struggles to love herself.

Today wasn't about having all the strength.

It was about remembering that even when nobody else is standing beside me...

I've got my own back.